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A few delightful things:

  • about to start playing Cult of the Lamb co-op with one of my best friends
  • just spent 5 hours making pickled things with two hilarious, wise, fun women
  • I have been accepted into the Cat Lady Cabal™️ in my apartment complex
  • My ex is on “get the child home from sports practice” duty so I don’t have to go anywhere else tonight
  • weather feels like fall
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All that is within me

Self is / I am: a sloppy mess of life, bundled up and spilling out.

Even in the best moments, so many rough edges.

Here I am giving too-long looks and undeserved bitch stares, too-short hugs and unsaid gratitudes. Here I am with too many words and too many silences, with the wrong thing at the right time or the right thing at the wrong time. Cross the best of intentions with the worst of expressions: here I am.

I stand back and back down, judging and measuring myself, always saying to myself: No no no no no no no.

Not for you. Not safe. Not now. Not like this. Not like that. Not yet. Not ever. Not until…

When does until meet with the open space of today, the only time when things can actually happen?

I would never: breach the line, cross the boundaries, disrespect the sacred or the profane.

Until (there it is, until) I look back and see, Oh no, too late. I have already done it. Have said it, have crossed it, have ruined, have failed, have hurt, have disappointed, have been what I said I would not be…

And yet here I am.

Still here, with the Self I was and the Self I am and the Self I am always becoming.

We contain multitudes, I guess, and it’s maybe simpler to open and accept all of them.

Perhaps love all — serve all must start with all that is within me.

Then perhaps it can extend. To others. To the world.

To the outward versions of myself, the reflections and incarnations, every form, near and far, to the Self is / You are.

∞

I’ve been menopausal for almost 7 years now, have read lots of books and done lots of research on dealing with what that means, staying healthy, etc and I am JUST NOW learning that the increasing joint pain I’ve had is most likely due to menopause. That estrogen, it’s powerful stuff.

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There is a girl inside
by Lucille Clifton

There is a girl inside.
She is randy as a wolf.
She will not walk away and leave these bones to an old woman.

She is a green tree in a forest of kindling.
She is a green girl in a used poet.

She has waited patient as a nun
for the second coming,
when she can break through gray hairs
into blossom

and her lovers will harvest
honey and thyme
and the woods will be wild
with the damn wonder of it.

∞

I’ve always thought it odd how I have some memories that are crystal clear, and so many large portions of my past life that are gone, escaped from my consciousness, buried deep in my brain somewhere maybe but I don’t know how to access them. QUICK: What was I doing on September 3, 1997? No idea. I’ll never be able to tell you.

But I can tell you that one summer afternoon when I was about 5 or 6 years old I went to the kitchen to pour myself a big cup of Kool-aid and the pitcher was quite full and I was rather small and, well, the delicious sticky red beverage went all over the floor. And I remember thinking two things: 1) That’s a lot of Kool-aid on the floor and 2) Mom doesn’t like it when we waste things. Those two thoughts led to my next choice, which is why Mom walked in to find me on my hands and knees, licking that Kool-aid off the kitchen floor.

She was horrified, but honestly, she kept a really clean kitchen so it was probably fine.

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Lessons from another summer

I didn’t go to the pool at all this summer, which is weird. The last few summers I spent as much time as I could at the pool. This summer? Just didn’t feel it. So I didn’t do it. And it was just fine. The kids went several times with friends.

Lesson #1: Summer doesn’t have to be about “summer” things.

I love working from home and I love being around my kids. An unfortunate truth is that these two things don’t mix very well. Even with good, clear boundaries and kids who are respectful of my time and work, there’s just a lot of disruption that happens when your desk is in the living room and your four teenagers are, too. My focus suffered, my productivity dropped, and that is a bummer. But: I got to hang out with my kids more, eat lunch together (lunch for me, breakfast for them usually…), and be available to drive them to various places. I was very aware that this is the last summer with all four permanently at home. In fact, a good part of July was spent on getting all the things set up for Mara to move to her very own apartment.

Lesson #2: Summer is not great for work, but it is pretty great for family.

I tried, for the first few weeks of summer, to maintain my normal routines and targets for my job and non-job things like blogging, reading, etc. This was… unwise. I got stressed and felt bad. Finally I adjusted my own expectations, and that helped a lot.

Lesson #3: Summer has its own rhythms and I need to adjust accordingly.

Something that surprised me: I developed a pretty solid going-to-the-gym habit over the summer. I’ve been wanting to start lifting weights for a while, and have done so sporadically. This summer, I started going regularly with Zeke (who wrestles and plays football and is all about them gains). Having someone else to go with is huge. He also helped me with form and trying new exercises and weights. So my exercise repertoire has expanded and I’ve got a good habit in place.

Lesson #4: Summer can be a good time to build new habits, while the normal rhythms are disrupted.

I’m making these notes in hope that next year I can remember and be a bit more proactive as summer begins. It probably isn’t possible to a take a summer-long sabbatical, but it might be possible to book in longer vacation time, reduce my workload, or otherwise adjust so I’m not stressed. I might also look into a temp co-working space so I can go somewhere and work without interruption for the morning or a few days each week.

I can also adjust my expectations about the time and attention I’ll have for “my own stuff” - writing, reading, blogging, fiddling around on the interwebs, participating online and in groups, other interests. My children are all taller than me now. Their time at home is dwindling. It’s not a big deal to shelve my hobbies for a few months so I can have more fun with them (and also sleep more).

Lesson #5: Try to sleep more. :)

∞

Kids are back to school today: M is 2 hours away starting college. R is a senior in high school. Z is a sophomore. And L is in 7th grade. TIME IT DOES SURE FLY.

Also while I love love love the additional time we have together in summer, I’m so ready for uninterrupted work time again.​

∞

Nick Cave, quoted here:

“Much of my early life was spent holding the world and the people in it in contempt. It was a position both seductive and indulgent. The truth is, I was young and had no idea what was coming down the line. It took a devastation to teach me the preciousness of life and the essential goodness of people. It took a devastation to reveal the precariousness of the world, of its very soul, and to understand that the world was crying out for help. It took a devastation to understand the idea of mortal value, and it took a devastation to find hope.
Unlike cynicism, hopefulness is hard-earned, makes demands upon us, and can often feel like the most indefensible and lonely place on Earth. Hopefulness is not a neutral position — it is adversarial. It is the warrior emotion that can lay waste to cynicism.
Each redemptive or loving act, as small as you like — such as reading to your little boy, showing him something you love, singing him a song, or putting on his shoes — keeps the devil down in the hole.
It says the world and its inhabitants have value, and are worth defending.
It says the world is worth believing in.
In time, we come to find that this is so.”

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Morning walk Y43D031

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how’s everybody in IT doing today? 😬 hanging in there?

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community, community, community. So many questions keep leading me back to this same answer.

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well, that was awful

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am i really listening to the potential leaders of usa insult each other over their golf capabilities and that’s what we’re doing? okay that’s what we’re doing

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watching the presidential debate of the united states of america and a key point is about ‘having sex with a porn star’ and so that’s where we are as a country

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biden needs a nap, donald needs a straitjacket

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trump just called biden “a very bad palestinian” so okay

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OH MY GOD CAN WE PLEASE PUT A WOMAN IN CHARGE ALREADY. IT IS 2024

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dying throes of a colonizing empire sure are ugly

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after birth? wtf is he talking about

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donald is so dumb, biden is so old, i am so depressed